Sewing with Danielle and Tender Mercies

Announcement to the world: Rebecca is sewing a dress. Scary for many reasons. I learned last night why so much of my sewing isn't extremely successful. I mean, I can sew a robe, or an apron, but they don't really have to fit. They're kind of a one size all operation. For example, I made my children robes 2 years ago, and they're still wearing them. They'll probably wear them as teenagers. Back to last night. I'm at Danielle's cutting out the pattern. I look at the arrows and say to Danielle, "Now I don't really need to measure the arrows with the bias do I? Can't I just eyeball it?" Danielle gives me the look, you know the kind, the 'you could but I wouldn't and why would you' look. Sigh. Get the ruler. Measure, adjust, measure, adjust, blah, blah, blah. Sigh again. And then it hits me. This is like cooking. I say to Danielle, "So is this kinda like when someone says they didn't bother to beat their egg whites because it's dumb, and then they wonder why their recipe doesn't turn out?" Danielle laughs. I'm starting to see the light. Next pattern piece. Little circles all over it. I cut it out and am having a feeling these circles mean something. "Uh, Danielle, what are these circles for?" Danielle, "You need to mark them." Me, "All of them? But all of the circles for the different sizes are practically stacked on top of each other. Can I just kind of aim in the middle? I can't even tell them apart." Danielle, sigh. "Rebecca, just do the best you can, try to mark the right size. And then if you have two pieces of fabric, you need to mark both." Rebecca, "Both?!" Sigh again (a really long sigh this time). Ten minutes later after that one pattern piece is finally all marked I say, "No wonder my sewing never turns out." Danielle laughs again, "Oh Rebecca." She says that one a lot lately. Love you Danielle.

Tender mercy of the day, even though last night I decided outright to rebel, and not set my alarm, I woke up at 8:30. Wow. Then I actually got up, even though my kids were asleep, and I didn't have to get up. And then I remembered the garbage. Ahhhhhhh! I have forgotten to take it out two weeks in a row, so needless to say, this might have been the most important thing I do all week, considering we only use paper plates, cups and bowls, so it is truly overflowing. So grateful that I woke up. I'm in awe that the spirit cares about my garbage can.

We've been listening to the Mormon Tabernacle choir this morning and all three of my kids are begging to play with each other a little before school. Sure, go ahead and play with the most important people in your life. Learn to love, share, compromise, create, pretend, and dream. Then we'll do math. Just love homeschool.

Miracles Happen Everyday and Somtimes Two Days in a Row

You're all dying to know the miracle that has happened in my life. And let me tell you, it doesn't come more miraculous than this. Not even Elijah and the priests of Baal (just read that story with the children tonight, so it is fresh in my mind, I promise I don't regularly compare my life with Old Testament stories, even though that would be cool, don't you think?). The miracle is....drum roll please.......I woke up at 8:00 AM this morning and yesterday. Now even though that is extremely impressive for me, I also...drum roll again...a little longer...I got out of bed at 8:00 AM (maybe 8:04,or 8:05 but still...)!!!!!!! I greeted the day within one or two hours that most people get up that don't have a hangover. I'm feeling very responsible, kind of normal and like I almost fit in with the rest of the world.

Seriously though, the gospel doctrine class was very inspiring on Sunday. During my evening prayers I was very worried about Gracie. She is struggling more than any of us lately. She asks when we are all going to live together again, prays that we'll be able to live together soon, and the like. (Damn that Darin, damn him straight to hell.) So anyway I was praying about her, for her, and it came again (as it has many times), "Get yourself on a schedule, and GET UP!" All of the sudden I knew He was right. Gracie needs as many reliable things in her life as possible to combat the unreliableness (what a great word)of her stupid father. So I became desperate, truly desperate, and explained my weaknesses, my frailties and failures in the getting up department. I begged for mercy and help. I pleaded for a miracle. I turned on my alarm and lied down and again and into my head it goes, "Set it for 7:30, but get up at 8:00". Okay. So I did it. Sigh. Genius. Inspired (obviously). If I plan to get up at 8:00 but the alarm goes off at 7:30, I get to sleep in 3 times!!! The snooze gets hit 3 times and I get to feel indulgent 3 times! I've always liked the in and out of consciousness part of sleep. I do a lot of my thinking and pondering in that time. I've received inspiration during my sleeping in periods when I'm half awake. So now I plan to sleep in. I truly cannot express the miracle it is that I've woken up so early two times in a row, and how much I hope it happens a third. With that I really need to go to bed. Goodnight.

Inspiring Music Video

www.cmt.com/videos/jaron-and-the-long-road-to-love/467605/pray-for-you.jhtml
I wish I knew how to post the video on my blog, but I don't. A total shocker, I know. So please copy and paste the address and watch it. If you think of me while you watch it, I know you'll love it. I'm not quite to where the singer is but my therapist is helping me to get there.

Dishes at 2:27 AM? What the heck?

So I'm up. Took a nap from 6:00-8:00 earlier this evening. Not too brilliant, but I had a headache, was tired, and trying to avoid any excuse to feel alive. I'm feeling very alive now however, hungry, and annoyed. So I'm giving up and I'm going to do the dishes. There really aren't too many, because we use paper everything. So it's mainly a lot of silverware, a few mixing bowls and a lot of spilled hot cocoa. It's pretty disgusting really and I'm so excited to wake up to a clean kitchen for once (well maybe it's happened once or twice before, but I don't keep track of such things usually). Ta ta for now.

Officially Divorced

So I got the big news today in the mail. As of January 5, 2010, I am divorced. I'm alone in the world, without a mate. Even though I knew I would be divorced for real, (duuuugh!)I'm still so sad. I read about all of the grieving stages of divorce today. Wow, am I a textbook griever. I'm definitely in the depression stage. Ha, ha, as if I have ever not been in that stage, but now I can blame it on Darin. Even though I'm not in a blaming mood, just a sad mood, a lonely, hopeless feeling mood. Another stage of grief I go into occasionally is anger. My therapist thinks I need to revisit anger, to truly get it all out, or I won't heal. I definitely got some of it out this summer, but there is more inside. For some reason the anger is more painful than the depression. You'd think that anger would numb pain, but it actually brings me face to face with reality. Depression fills all of the voids in my life. It is comfortable. If there is one thing I'm good at in this life it is being depressed--sleeping too much, ignoring people, buying one book after the next (because for some reason that is going to help me?!)watching countless hours of TV (that is actually new for me this last 6 months), eating too much and feeling sorry for myself (I definitely have a gift for this one). The next stage, which I maybe dipped a toenail into a few times, but basically am terrified of, is letting go. Letting go sounds so hard. So hard I can't even describe it. Every site I read about grief said not to rush any stage, so if I'm in the mood to be depressed tomorrow, I'm going to be depressed. Because I'm good at it. I'm not particularly strong enough to do anything I'm not good at. I will go to church, even though I have no desire. Thank goodness for habit. I'll go and either pretend I'm fine, avoid people, or hopefully not talk somebody's ear off about how miserable I am and how much I hate pornography. I fear the day when everything becomes clear in my mind again and I remember all of the times I made a complete fool out of myself in public. Until then, I guess I'll stay in a confused fog, depressed and sad because I'm normal (at least according to psychotherapists, who hopefully aren't really psycho themselves, even though it is in their job title). If you've made it this far, you are a true friend and I love you. Thanks for sticking with me.

New Year, Almost Divorced, Fresh Start

I was very inspired by Danielle's last post, so I'm back into the blogosphere. I'm back with a new blog, new attitudes, a broken heart and severe wounds, but back nonetheless. I'm also back with a stronger testimony of Christ, family, and friends.

I'm not really in the mood to contemplate the complexities of life today, but no fear, I'm sure I will be ready soon enough.

I'm also not up to recapping my year in detail. You all know what happened. Hell broke loose.

But you know what? I am optimistic. I have skills, a degree, a teaching certificate, a decent settlement, three wonderful daughters, a great family, true friends, the gospel and everything that goes with it, and let's not forget, a dog that drive's me to the point of inhumane thoughts, but at least distracts me from my real problems.

Danielle's blog inspired me so much I decided to follow.

2010 goals for Rebecca
1) Create a budget that works and stick to it. (This will take divine intervention, but I believe in divine intervention.)

2) No traffic tickets or library fines. (This may prove to be the most difficult and the most important financial goal I'll ever make. Difficult because it will require that I actually follow the law all of the time, not just part of the time. Difficult because the whole getting the library books to the library on time is sooooooo hard for me. So hard that I tried to get onto the library board, because people on the library board don't have due dates, which results in no library fines. However I was rejected, for obvious reasons I guess. And then it is important because the amount of money I have wasted on traffic tickets and library fines, invested with compound interest in 50 years would probably be $50,000!!!And then if you add up all of the future money I could possibly waste on tickets and fines and invest it, I could probably retire on it!!! Yes, probably the most difficult and important financial goal I'll ever make!)

3) Lose weight. (I know this is everyone's new year's resolutions, but I guess I fit in with the crowd this year. I am joining Weight Watchers this Wednesday with a new friend from my ward. Some of you might think this is a big goal for someone who is recently divorced, but let me tell you. If I don't make some drastic changes soon, I'm going to be the first person to die from an overdose of sugar. The headline will read "SEEMINGLY HEALTHY 33 YEAR OLD WOMAN DIES, INVESTIGATION REVEALS FIRST EVER SUGAR POISONING".)

I need to make a spiritual goal, but I don't have one. My unofficial one from last year will continue, weekly temple attendance. But I need a new one, and there are so many to choose from, I will need more time to contemplate.

In so many ways I have more stress and less time as a single mom. However, I have more time and less stress also. More time when Darin has the kids for scheduled visits. And less stress because I don't have to worry about Darin or try to please him. So I'm going to try to make up for some lost time I spent worrying about Darin, wasting my time trying to please him, and try to worry about myself and please myself. The way I'm going to do that is with the top three goals. Especially the budget and the weight.

I just remembered a 4th.
4) Call my herbologist and a get started on my herbal regimen for my uterine problems (in other words my 'almost bleeding to death every month' problem).

Number 4 is another thing I put on the back burner because of Darin.

New subject. It's snowing big huge heavy flakes which means one thing--Sticky. The girls went out all snow clothed and ran right back in to announce that it is sticky. This is a big deal, because it is usually very dry and therefore unable to produce snowmen, snowballs and the like. Gracie came in early and just a moment ago I said to her, "It's soooo pretty out there," and she replied, "I know! It makes me want to cry!" Life is good. It's snowing, my house is warm, my kids are playing and I finally blogged. Love you all and happy new year.