Saturday, January 9, 2010
Officially Divorced
So I got the big news today in the mail. As of January 5, 2010, I am divorced. I'm alone in the world, without a mate. Even though I knew I would be divorced for real, (duuuugh!)I'm still so sad. I read about all of the grieving stages of divorce today. Wow, am I a textbook griever. I'm definitely in the depression stage. Ha, ha, as if I have ever not been in that stage, but now I can blame it on Darin. Even though I'm not in a blaming mood, just a sad mood, a lonely, hopeless feeling mood. Another stage of grief I go into occasionally is anger. My therapist thinks I need to revisit anger, to truly get it all out, or I won't heal. I definitely got some of it out this summer, but there is more inside. For some reason the anger is more painful than the depression. You'd think that anger would numb pain, but it actually brings me face to face with reality. Depression fills all of the voids in my life. It is comfortable. If there is one thing I'm good at in this life it is being depressed--sleeping too much, ignoring people, buying one book after the next (because for some reason that is going to help me?!)watching countless hours of TV (that is actually new for me this last 6 months), eating too much and feeling sorry for myself (I definitely have a gift for this one). The next stage, which I maybe dipped a toenail into a few times, but basically am terrified of, is letting go. Letting go sounds so hard. So hard I can't even describe it. Every site I read about grief said not to rush any stage, so if I'm in the mood to be depressed tomorrow, I'm going to be depressed. Because I'm good at it. I'm not particularly strong enough to do anything I'm not good at. I will go to church, even though I have no desire. Thank goodness for habit. I'll go and either pretend I'm fine, avoid people, or hopefully not talk somebody's ear off about how miserable I am and how much I hate pornography. I fear the day when everything becomes clear in my mind again and I remember all of the times I made a complete fool out of myself in public. Until then, I guess I'll stay in a confused fog, depressed and sad because I'm normal (at least according to psychotherapists, who hopefully aren't really psycho themselves, even though it is in their job title). If you've made it this far, you are a true friend and I love you. Thanks for sticking with me.
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You know I've always thought that was an odd name for a therapist....psychotherapist. Who would want that as a title?
ReplyDeleteI love you so much. I wish I could be there near you to just be beside you, hold you hand and hug you. I love you so much. You're amazing. And I doubt you're going to remember being a fool, because you're not. People like hearing about ography and your story because it's something people don't talk about and brush under the rug. It's good to talk about it and educate people. Love you so much.
I'm sad for you too. I was waiting with anticipation for you to be finally divorced and then the tears came as I read this. I'm sorry for all you have to go through. My words sound so weak and almost nothing compared to what you are experiencing. You're pretty hilarious when you say you're so good at being depressed. Just don't plan on being so good at it forever, ok? I love you. Talk to you later.
ReplyDeleteDearest Rebecca, I feel for you and I am sad for you, and I know that no one can really know your pain but I really want to feel and be there for you. I love you so very much and we grandpa and I pray for you and yours each day. I hope that you will be able to work through the anger and get over the depression. I know that it is a trite saying however time passes quickly and so don't spend a lot of time worrying about the things your have no control over and can't change. My life changed a lot when I turned 34 or 35 and realized that I was the one in charge of my happiness. I was the ONE in charge, and my attidude was what made the difference. I know it is a lot for you to deal with right now, but think about it for awhile and pray and ponder about your life, and you have a lot left to live, it's just when you get to be my age that you realize that time is so precious and you don't want or need to waste it on something that isn't in your control. I guess what I'm trying to say, is when your life is running out you need to take more time to do the things that really mean something to you if that makes sense. I know it is hard but if you feel like singing then sing, dancing then dance, do what you enjoy and take time to really enjoy the little things and Laugh, Love those little girls, and most of all LIVE and enjoy each and every precious moment as time passes so quickly one day you'll wake up and wonder where it all went, so take advantage of it all and don't waste any. I love you Lots grams
ReplyDeleteWell, first of all I think this was a great blog,not whatever you called it on the phone. I think it is a good place to say all those things. I am so happy you have a counselor you like to help you through this and to know that you are normal. I think there is great relief in knowing I am not crazy and that what I am going through is normal. I enjoyed our talk. I love you!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Rebecca. I'm glad you're writing this...I think it is probably therapeutic? I love you!!! I will call you later.
ReplyDeleteI feel like such a blog stalker but I found you through Amy's page. I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry, that I learned to HATE pornography also and I know that it's hopeless competing with it. I sure learned that the hard way. BUT my divorce was such a great blessing. I'm lucky he showed how lousy he was so early. He was a huge jerk anyway so I was glad he gave me a 'get out of marriage free' card. (It got a lot worse than pornography but that sure was the start!) I hope things look up this year. A new start can be such a great blessing, but it sure is hard at first!
ReplyDeleteMel(vance)D.
I love you Rebecca. Love, love, love you. On my list of most important people in my life you have held one of the top slots for more than half the years I've been on the earth. Probably a bunch of years before I came here too. :) Hang in there. Healing takes time.
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